I can't sleep; probably too wound up from the emotions of the day, of which there were plenty. So these are my random musings.
Does it ever feel that life is just too weird around you and you don't know how to process it all? Was there ever a less complicated time? I mean, I know that it was less complicated when we were kids, but did our parents live a less complicated life? Or our grandparents? Has it always been this messy?
Don't you hate those moments in life when something happens and you really, really, really don't know how to respond? I remember my daughter telling a friend who was going on and on about something, "I have nothing to say to that." Sometimes you really don't, you know?
And don't you hate it when words don't comfort when that's all you have to give? I mean you can't give some people hugs, not in today's world. You can't throw money at some problems. Sometimes words are all you've got and they just don't cut it.
Is there a way to turn off emotions? Is that what people do when they get drunk or take drugs? Or meditate?
Who do you talk to when you really need to talk to someone and no one is around? Or at least no one is around at that moment who cares?
And isn't it weird that you can be lonely with people around? What's up with that?
And shouldn't the fact that I know I will be tired and dragging tomorrow be enough to make me go to bed?
Would it be too weird to go and fill up the gas tank in my robe? I'll have to do it tomorrow on the way to work and I'll be running late. I'm not tired now and it would be a good time to do it. What if I got pulled over or in an accident? Would I then wish I had worn one of my nicer, less comfortable robes?
To quote a song from a musical that no one but me has ever seen or would remember (except for Sarah), "Is anybody there? Does anybody care? Does anybody see what I see?" Probably not at this time of night.
Stocking Candy Cookies
8 months ago
6 comments:
Mom you sound down. Whatever you do don't go get gas in your bathrobe! Call me instead!
Poor mom. Everybody has those kinds of days. They sure stink and they leave your head spinning with the randomness, cruelty, and unpredictability of it all.
I would have gone to get gas in my bathrobe...that is if I didn't have a sleeping baby boy at home and a husband who can sleep through anything (even our guy crying at the top of his lungs).
But, as you know, I had a sleepless night too. I wish I had known you were awake so that we could have talked.
I love you.
You guys are the best. Thanks for letting me whine!
But my one question was not rhetorical. Do some people get simple times here on this earthly journey or is it just different kinds of complicated?
I have started to think that life is simply what it is. Everyone gets some number of days and into each day are millions of interactions that can be affected by millions of other interactions. And everything we do, we chose to do, whether we realize we're choosing or not, affects us and everyone else around us who are simply living their allotted number of days. I think that as our days go by, and our interactions accumulate, our minds are formed, our emotions are formed, our reactions are formed, and on and on so that by the time we are about one year old, we have a pretty clear picture about life, our own life in particular, and how we react and how others react to us. And we spend the rest of our lives trying to get others to do as we would have them do so we will feel okay. So maybe a child who feels secure and loved and safe at age one will understand the world as a safe loving place and will be able to understand or cope with the difficulties he or she encounters each day.
Or maybe none of that is true, because what happens when that child encounters the completely unexpected? Or maybe that's why some crises are such crises, because they have hit with no warning and we are not prepared to deal with them.
I don't know the answer to your question. But I do know that the older I get, the more I realize how cruel life can be, the more I mourn for those who suffer, the more I worry for those I hold dear.
It has been a long time since you wrote this that I am finally reading this so you probably aren't in the same mood, except that this rings so true for me and everyone around me right now.
I don't know what simple times are. They certainly aren't now. I think we are going through what we learned was the "Quickening up Pace" we were promised as this earth's current assignment gets ready to wrap up.
I loved Gilian's response, it's a very interesting perception. I think that this life can be extremely cruel to us sometimes, and there are so many days anymore that I just don't understand a thing.
You certainly aren't alone in these feelings, even though you were alone on that April night! Today, as I was venting, you were right there! Maybe sometimes words don't do anything... today your words have been a healing balm to me!
One more comment on drugs and liquer and meditation and prayer and eating...
Yes, these are all ways we tend to deal with this life, and we all seek solace somehow.
I think Chocolate would probably be your drug of choice!
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