Emotions, Emotions

So now I am 56.  Well, I have been for a while.  56 years old.  It sounds so grandmotherly, so advanced. I saw a clip from the movie "Nebraska" where the character says something to the effect that no matter how he looks at it, he's closer to the end than to the beginning.  It's a paraphrase, but the idea resonated with me.

I am closer to the end.  I'm past middle age.  I do not plan to live to 112 years old, so I'm on the downhill slope.

I'm okay with it.  I do feel more and more urgency to touch and to influence and a little less to create. I guess I realize at this point that my talent isn't to create, or at least not anything that will last.  There are no Picasso's or Rembrandts in my soul.  I have no Mozart or Thoreau to give voice that will speak after I am gone. And yet, I believe influence can last.  I believe that influence for good can last; can last for generations.

My best friend and I went to dinner tonight.  Her birthday was Saturday.  She was twinged because her oldest son didn't remember; not really hurt, just twinged.  His wife texted at 11:00 at night.  A text.  That thing that at one time can be so thoughtful and yet so impersonal. Her son didn't remember at all.  She knows he's busy.  She knows that at the family party he will bring her a nice gift.  But I understood.  Somehow in being remembered we are validated in that we have had influence; we have made a difference.

I saw a tribute to an actress the other day.  The actress is in her 70's and a whole room gave her standing ovations and tributes.  They were heartfelt and real.  The actress was so touched.  And I thought how wonderful to get to see your funeral while you are yet alive.  That's a little what a funeral is; the opportunity to show the influence of one life.

So I don't know how much influence I have over my children at this stage.  I begin to see them see me as the mother who is a little forgetful, a little to be tolerated at times.  I understand.  I'm not hurt. Ah, but I can influence my grandchildren.  They are so little.  In a few years, they will see me as old. They will always know that I love them and that will always matter; but when you are ten years old, your capacity to receive love begins to change.  In your independence, you don't drink it up as readily.  But at 3 and 4 and 5 and 6, you can never get enough.  It's so wonderful to be a child and to be the center of everyone's life and you can accept that you are just wonderful enough to fill that center.

So right now I have 8 little souls who are just so wonderful enough to be my center.  Holding them, cuddling them, chomping on their tummies, tickling their feet; they eat it up.  It's never too much.  I love being able to kiss them so freely.  They will outgrow this.  It will be soon.  I'm not done with grandchildren yet.  Other little ones will come.  But this stage will also pass and my influence will change.

I saw a movie the other day called "Period of Adjustment."  It wasn't a great movie, but I was surprised to find that it was written by Tennessee Williams.  I was struck by the good writing.  The character at the end is talking about marriage and she says that marriage is just a series of adjustments.  So is life.  At 56, I'm in yet another period of adjustment.  I'm okay with this one. Comfortable even, and that's just a little surprising.