Sleepless in Salt Lake

I have always suffered from insomnia. While yet a child, I was introduced to the ritual of tossing, turning, checking the alarm clock, calculating in my mind how few possible hours of sleep there were left in the night. Even in my elementary school pictures, you will note the dark circles under my eyes--one more curse of being fair skinned.

I can't imagine falling asleep easily. I know that there are people who do...or at least I hear of them. As a child, I would sneak a flashlight into my bedroom so that I could read to relieve the unique boredom that comes only when a house is still and everyone else slumbers. But often I would become engrossed in the book and continue to read until the early morning hours. Other times I would turn off the flashlight, try to go to sleep, only to turn it back on again 30 minutes later and start the "getting sleepy" process all over again.

The gentle lull of books stopped working for me a long time ago. After my divorce, I had to find something louder to drown out thoughts scurrying through my head. I started to watch tv late at night. I understand that is supposed to make for an even worse night's sleep...something about your eyes picking up the changing light in the room. Nevertheless, old movies and talk shows still worked better than nothing.

It is a terrible, helpless feeling to have your physical body so exhausted that getting up feels like an impossible effort, yet your mind is whirling, spinning, and refusing to shut down. Where is the rest for body and soul? And where is my unrelenting mind taking me? Sometimes reliving the past, sometimes worrying about the future, sometimes worrying about today. Other times the thoughts are on things eternal, things that are deep and poignant. Sometimes the thoughts are on the joys of my life: my faith, my children, my passions. Other times the thoughts are on the sorrows of my life: mistakes I made that hurt others, other's mistakes that hurt me. Reliving and relearning the lessons.

When I am feeling emotional (happy or sad), sleep is the first thing that is affected. Even sometimes after I have fallen asleep, I will awake at 2:00 a.m. or 3:00 a.m. and spend the rest of the night doing the familiar hours count. "If I fall asleep right now, I can still get 4 hours of sleep." "If I fall asleep right now, I can still get 3 1/2 hours of sleep." Panic sometimes fills me knowing all the time that tomorrow will be harder than it had to be....if only I could have slept.

I've read lately how lack of sleep can affect everything from our physical abilities to our emotional and mental abilities. One study said that everything is harder if you haven't had a good night's sleep. So, what would a well-rested Joey be like? Would I be more steady? Would challenges be less overwhelming? How different might my life have been if I had spent all of those lost hours in dreamland?

And the worst is how paralyzing and overtaking worries are in the dark hours. A problem can seem as enormous and frightening as a monster in the closet at 1:30 in the morning. And at 8:00 a.m. the solutions are clear and the previous night's monster appears as the gnat that it really is. Oh, well.

Tomorrow is an exceptionally early morning. I have to get up at 4:30 a.m. to drive Niel and his boys up to the University where they will be running a 10k. I am putting up flags throughout the neighborhood at 7:00 a.m. to celebrate Pioneer Day. It's almost 12:00 a.m. If I fall asleep right now, I can still get 4 1/2 hours of sleep....